When a Son "Hates" His Mom

When our son was little, he and mom had a very close, happy relationship.  Mike was a sweet boy who had no problem giving mom hugs and asking her lots of questions.  He was her little boy. 

But then Mike moved into the early stages of puberty and the relationship changed…dramatically.  With tears in her eyes, Jan asked me one day why her son hated her.

What Jan didn’t know at the time was that Mike was at a crucial point in his life—the point where he had to start moving into manhood.  And the movement into manhood meant he had to begin to pull away from his mom.

Most moms I know aren’t prepared for that moment.  They don’t understand it.  So as their boys start moving into manhood moms often feel lost.

What’s a mom to do?

Mom, the good news is that you play a vital role in the kind of man your son will become, even in those years when he seems to pull away from you.  Here are some positive ways you can shape his life:

Pour your mother’s love into your son. Though there will be times when your son seems to resist your love, he will never stop needing or craving it.  How you demonstrate that love will change as your son ages, but keep reaching out to him, keep taking an interest in his life, keep praying for him, and keep hugging him (as much as he will allow).  Remember, when men mug in front of a video camera, 99% of the time they say, “Hi, mom!”  A boy never outgrows his need for mom’s love.

Teach him about women: You will be a primary teacher for your son on how to relate to girls.  Teach him to be the man you want him to be for you, for his future wife should he marry, for a potential future daughter, and for all of the women he will interact with during his life.  Give him insights into a woman’s world so that he can navigate his way through it with honor and goodness.  It takes a mom to instill in her son a deep understanding of women.

Immerse your son in masculine energy: As cultures throughout history have always known, it takes a tribe of men to raise a boy into a man. To become men boys need masculine energy poured into them.  They need positive male role models to follow. The key to building boys into good men is to surround them with great men—their own dad (if possible) and other men—who can model responsibility, love, compassion, fatherhood, and manhood to these men in the making.  Churches, Boy’s Clubs, Big Brother, Scouting programs, and other boy-focused organizations can partner with you in raising your son into manhood.  This is especially crucial for boys being raised by single moms.

Give your son an honorable vision for manhood: Moms, to the best of your ability, paint a picture of manhood for your son built on honor, courage, commitment, sacrifice, love, compassion, forgiveness, wisdom, and grace.  When you see your son acting honorably, affirm him.  When he acts less than nobly, use it as a teaching moment and call the noble out of him.  But remember, mom, a boy ultimately needs men to instill in him a vision for manhood.

Give your son purpose: Your son was created to save the world.  Testosterone is the fuel of super heroes (although at times it may seem like the fuel for driving mom insane!).  As you see his emerging gifts and talents, affirm them in him.  Once in a while look him in the eye and tell him you know that God has created him for something very special.

Let your boy become a man.  At some point, around puberty, your son will need to distance himself from you, as my wife experienced.  He needs to leave behind all of the feminine energy that has been shaping his life (you and the overwhelming majority of his teachers) and enter into the world of men.  This is going to be extremely hard on you.  You will wonder at times what happened to your gentle, loving little boy.  You will wonder at other times why your son hates you.  There will be lots of tears and doubt.  But this is an absolutely crucial time in the life of your son.  Let him go…but let him go into the hands of dad (if dad is around) and other good men.

Learn all you can about boys.  The more you know, the better equipped you will be to raise your son into good, honorable manhood.  (I recommend you look at Michael Thompson’s book, It’s a Boy! and the Michael Gurian trilogy of books: The Wonder of Boys; TheMind of Boys; and The Purpose of Boys.  My book on boys, Searching for Tom Sawyer, is geared to a Christian audience.)

Could the Church be the Best Hope for Our Boys?

These are tough days to be a boy!

·      Boys are falling behind girls in virtually every area of education from pre-school to college

·      The average reading skills of a 17 year old boy have declined in the last 20 years

·      17-18 of the top 20 growing professions favor the verbal and relational skills of women over men

·      Boys are growing up in a world without a compelling vision for noble manhood

These are tough days to be the Church:

·      Sex scandals in the Catholic Church

·      The numbers “nones,” those reporting no religious affiliation, are growing

·      Pastors of mega-churches caught in various scandals of their own making

·      Church and denominational splits over gay/lesbian issues

·      Church attendance in decline, especially among young adults

·      70-90% of all boys leaving the church in their teens and early 20’s…and most not returning.

So it may seem cavalier or reckless to suggest that the Christian Church could be the best hope for our boys.

Having spent over 30 years as a pastor, and having worked on the boy crisis for the last 9+ years, I believe the Church could be best positioned to help us solve the boy crisis for the following reasons:

·      The Church is rooted in a deep, rich, sacred view of men and women.  The Bible says that men and women are created in the Image of God.  Both male and female are good.  Both are equal.  But they are also different.  Take off our clothes and we see the difference.  Take the clothes off of our brains and we see the difference (at least 100 differences between the male and female brain have been identified so far).  The male is not better than the female, just different.  The female is not better than the male, just different.  Both are rooted in the sacred view that they are created, male and female, in the Image of God.  Based on that, the Church can rise above political correctness and stereotyping to draw out the best in our boys and our girls.  It can take the lead in reshaping the discussion, moving us from antagonism of one sex toward the other to a comprehensive, sacred appreciation of the equality and uniqueness of both.

·      The Founder of Christianity offers a vision for compelling manhood. Jesus offers boys a vision of what it looks like to be a man: Courageous, compassionate, a warrior against injustice, an advocate for the voiceless, a friend, passionate, committed, a man of his word, a man of action, gracious, humble, gentle, tough, forgiving, purposeful, commanding, strong, fully in tune with who he is, and ultimately a man willing to lay down his life not just for his friends, but for his enemies.  Imagine our boys growing up into that kind of manhood.

·      The Church understands the primal need of every boy for a blessing from his father. Part of what makes a boy a man is the blessing of his father—that moment when dad looks his son in the eyes and tells him he loves him and that he is proud of who his son is becoming.  Sadly, most boys never hear those words from dad.  For some it’s because dad isn’t around.  For others it’s because dad never received that blessing from his father and so has no idea how to give it to his son.  The ministry of Jesus began with the blessing from his Father.  Armed with his father’s love and approval, Jesus had the masculine power he needed to change the world.  The Church stands in a unique position to train men to give that blessing to their sons and to boys in general.

·      The Church has an army of men who can pour masculine energy into our boys.  In a time when our boys have few men investing in them, the Church is loaded with potential male mentors, who, with a bit of training, can begin to pour good masculine energy into our boys who desperately crave men in their lives.

That’s why the Church could be the best hope for our boys.  Why could be? Because the Church has a checkered record, at best, when it comes to raising boys into honorable men.  Too often the Church has raised boys to lord it over women rather than serve them.  Too often the Church has devalued women, treating them as inferior to men.  None of this is Biblical.  None of this is in line with Jesus and his agenda.  Yet sadly, it’s still happening today.

If the Church can get its act together and embrace its deep, sacred understanding of male and female, if the Church can let go of its past sins and truly follow Jesus, the one who is the vision for manhood, and more than that, the vision for humankind, then the Church can take the lead in changing the storyline of our boys.