New Podcast: The Wonder of Parenting

Around 2 am on June 18, 1980, my wife, Jan, woke me up to tell me it was time.  Our firstborn was on the way!  I immediately jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom to get ready to head to the hospital.  But in the bathroom, I stopped, looked myself in the mirror, and in a panic said, “I’m not ready for this!” 

At that moment, like every first-time parent, I had no idea how to be a parent.  Though my parents and grandparents were fantastic role models and caregivers, watching someone parent and parenting are two very different things. 

Wouldn’t We Love Having An “Owner’s Manual” to Parenting?

Wouldn’t it be great if our kids came to us with an owner’s manual?  A built-in how-to manual giving us step-by-step instructions on how to raise them?  And to make it even better, how about adding in a parenting guru or two to offer advice along the way?

My own daughter is now 38 years old.  My son is 35.  And Jan and I now have five grandchildren.  I’ve learned a lot about parenting (and grandparenting) over the last 38 years—much of it through trial and error, gut instinct, learning from others, and from my kids themselves.  I’ve had to create my own “owner’s manual” from my own life.

But about 12 years ago, I discovered that our kids do come with an owner’s manual, if we know how to look.  While this manual doesn’t provide step by step instructions, it does give foundational insights into our boys and girls that can offer us significant guidance and direction. 

That owner’s manual is the brain.

About 12 years ago I was introduced to the work of Dr. Michael Gurian.  In my work as a pastor I was just beginning to come to terms with the challenges that boys are facing in life, school, the church, and culture.  I was so moved by Michael’s work and insights that I sent him an email assuming that this famous New York Times Best-Selling Author wouldn’t have the time to respond back.  But he did!  The very next day!

And his response began what is now a 12-year friendship and partnership in working with people like you on the issues of our boys and girls, using the brain as our starting point. 

Out of that friendship we’ve created both secular and faith-based Rites of Passage programs for girls and boys, 12 – 14 years old (www.timwrightministries.org) and we are honored to provide amazing Helping Boys Thrive Summits together (www.helpingboysthrive.org). 

Now, fully engaging with new technologies, we are also launching a new podcast called The Wonder of Parenting.  Each weekly 25 to 30 minute episode will focus on the daily issues you as parents face and we will always use brain science research, best practices, and our own experiences as parents to help you connect with the wonder of parenting.

My role is to serve as the host.  On your behalf I get to pick Michael’s brain on all things parenting.  Michael is a treasure trove of insight, experience, heart, soul, and love for what he does.  To have access to him weekly, to hear his parenting stories, to take his insights into the brains of our sons and daughters and apply them to parenting makes for a one-of-a-kind, unique parenting resource. 

A Treasure Trove of Topics, Science, and Common Sense

In the 12 years I’ve known Michael I’ve heard him speak countless times.  He and I have spent hours and hours talking on the phone or in the car or at events.  And yet, in every podcast we have recorded, I learn something new. 

The topics are always current and practical, ranging from “how moms and dads parent differently” to “best screen time practices for different ages of kids” to “the importance of family meals” to “raising kids in a gender fluid world” to “when and how to talk about sex” and much more.  And each of these important topics is rooted in brain science, so the insights Michael offers stand the test of time.

Parenting should be a wonder-filled experience, even when it is tough going.  Our podcasts will be very positive experiences, and we promise to find the heights and depths of the journey with you.

The Wonder of Parenting is free but priceless! I hope you’ll subscribe and tell your friends to do the same.  Listen to us in the car, while you’re working out, or over a cup of coffee as you take a mental break.  I know you’ll walk away with a deeper sense of wonder and awe at the privilege of being a parent.

To learn more, to subscribe, or to post a question for a future podcast, check out our website:  www.wonderofparenting.com

What I Want My Grandsons to Know About Men

Phoenix (7), Judah (7), and Decker (4),  

You are a bit young to think about manhood but from the perspective of your 60-year-old grandpa, it’s just on the horizon of your life.  Our current culture has developed an allergy to masculinity, either claiming it’s toxic (some going so far as to blame meat eating on male toxicity, who knew?), or that you would be better served to learn to emote and talk more like girls. (Your brain isn’t wired to emote and talk the way a girl’s brain is wired.  But you are uniquely wired to emote and communicate in your own masculine way!) 

Here’s the truth about men:

Men are capable of great good:

• Good men have laid down their lives for centuries in order to protect their families, their tribes, their countries, and their beliefs.  
• Good men have put their lives at risk to build the infrastructures of society (92 percent of all work related deaths are male…).
• Good men have created systems of government with the intent to provide freedom and equality for all.
• Good men have always been and continue to be caring dads, husbands, employers, employees, and grandparents.

Men are also capable of great destruction:

Though writing about boys, these words from my friend Dr. Michael Gurian, speak directly to this downside of masculinity--…nearly every social problem we face in our civilization today—unemployment, income inequality, incarceration rates, religious extremism, domestic abuse, mental illness, health care inequalities, and painful violence against women—intersects in some way with the state of boyhood in America.  (Saving our Sons, p. vii.)

Yes…some men are destructive.  Some men damage the lives of others.  Some men seek to harass those of a different race or religion or political persuasion or gender.  Some men are bad men.

But many, if not most men, are good men.  As your grandpa my hope and prayer is that as you grow into manhood, you number yourselves among the good guys.  To give you some guidance, here’s a picture of what a good man looks like (with special thanks to Dr. Gurian for his great work on this framework for manhood from his book, The Purpose of Boys):

A good man is:

• Honorable: He does the right thing, even when it’s the harder way.  He treats all people with respect.  
• Enterprising: He doesn’t give up easily.  He fights for the good of others while at the same time maintaining a core belief in his worth as a good man.
• Responsible: A good man lives to serve others.  As Martin Luther King Jr. put it: The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in the moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.  The true neighbor will risk his position, his prestige, and even his life for the welfare of others.
• Original: A good man knows who he is.  He’s aware of his strengths and weaknesses.  He knows what his unique gifts and talents are.  And he uses them to help build a better world through his family, his work, his citizenship, and his faith.

Boys, that's the kind of men I want you to be: Heroic men who show the world that good men exist and that good men are essential for building strong families, communities, and a better society.

What I Want My Granddaughters to Know About Men

Dear Clover (8) and Mathilda (2),

Over the last 50-60 years (mainly during my growing up years) women and men all around our country have been fighting for you!  They’ve been working hard to ensure that you grow up in a world where you are treated equally with men.  It may be that when you enter the workforce in 15 years or so that that may seem quaint—that equal pay for equal work and equal opportunities will be so deeply ingrained in our culture that your generation has no memory of anything else.

In a remarkably short period of time the storyline of girls and women has changed dramatically, mostly for the better—again thanks to many good women and men.  

For example:

·      In the early 1960’s girls were behind boys in school.  But by 1982 girls not only caught up, they soared past boys.  Girls now do far better than boys in virtually every area of education from pre-k through graduate school. 

·      Increasingly the pay gap is shrinking.  There’s still a lot of debate about this one.  Some say that women make 80 cents or so for every $1 a man makes.  This isn’t really the whole story.  When you get down deep into the numbers and all of the factors that go into who works where and why, the gap is much, much smaller.  There are certain job segments where the gap is huge and we still have work to do but again, a lot has changed in your favor over the last 50-60 years.

·      You are growing up in a world of unprecedented opportunities for women.  When I think back to the opportunities your great-grandmother had (again, this was in my lifetime!) to what is possible for you now…it’s breathtaking! 

I could go but I want to get to my main point.

This new world for women has not come without a price for men.  You are not only growing up in a world fighting for equality for women, you are also growing up in a world that has become increasingly disdainful of all things masculine.

Here are two recent book titles:

Is There Anything Good About Men?

Do Father’s Matter?

Can you imagine anyone having to write a book with a title like that about women?  Is there Anything Good About Women?  Do Mother’s Matter?

Unfortunately, some men contribute to the negative masculine stereotype.  And we’ve been seeing it rear its ugly head lately through a series of powerful men being called out for sexual harassment.  In fact, many believe we have reached a tipping point—one hopefully of high impact—that will bring to light this dark side of masculinity and protect our daughters, wives, sisters, and colleagues from it.

As your grandpa I’m sickened on the one hand, and heartened on the other hand, that this has become a public issue.  For your sake, I pray that God will protect you from sick men who simply don’t deserve the title, Man.

However, the actions of a sick and powerful small group of men has given some in our culture the chance to pile on.  Men, some in the media are saying, simply by being men, are complicit or guilty.  They are all monsters. 

For example:

Jennifer Berdahl, a professor in the business school at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver who studies the harassment of men, says harassment is also about gender and how society defines it. Males learn a sense of superiority over females from the time they are children, she says.  Being a man means being superior to a woman and dominating women sexually or otherwise; sexual harassment is taking that (thinking) to an extreme, Berdahl says...Men are socialized from the age of 3 to think of themselves as being a ‘real man,’ defined as dominating women.

That is simply not true.  It is vastly overstated and not only demeans men but the many good women who raise these boys into men.

As a man, and as your grandpa, here are some things I want you to know about men.  You will be surrounded by them all your lives so I want you to see men as their Creator sees them.

1)   Yes…some men are bad men.  They are sick.  They are contemptible.  They bring shame to the masculine side of the Image of God.  But they are not the majority of men or even close to it.

2)   Good, noble men do exist in the world, lots of them…and the world needs them.

3)   A good man is one who uses his gifts and talents to help build a better world.  And many men have done just that: Countless dads working hard to provide for their families and invest time in their children.  Men faithfully loving their wives.  Men protecting our country, often at great personal sacrifice.  Men building the infrastructures of our nation.  Men educating our children and youth.  Men creating works of art be it music or literature or dance or film.  Men doing their jobs with integrity and excellence.

4)   While, as my friend, Dr. Michael Gurian, says, almost all of the challenges and ills a society faces trace themselves back to troubled men, at the same time, many, many of the successes and strengths of our society are built on the backs of good men.

5)   The overwhelming majority of men not only want what’s best for women, they actively fight for it.  These women are their daughters, wives, sisters, moms, aunts, friends, and co-workers.  Men care deeply about these women in their lives.  They neither want nor condone masculine domination of women.

6)   Masculinity in and of itself is not toxic.  It is a good, God-created, sacred gift, just as is the feminine. 

7)   Men are wired to experience the world differently from women.  Our brains work differently.  Our thought processes works differently.  Our chemical make-up is different.  That doesn’t make us better than women.  It doesn’t make us inferior.  Women and men are equal but different, and those differences make the world a better place.

8)   Again, a real man is a man who uses his unique gifts and talents, and his uniqueness as the Image of God male, to serve those he loves and the world around him.  And again, those men are all around us.

Your Daddies are good men.  Your Grandpas are good men.  The men in your church are good men.  You will interact with far more good men than bad men throughout your lives.  May you discover the blessing that men can be as you grow into the women God created you to be.

Calling Out the Super Hero in our Boys

Faster than a speeding bullet.  More fidgety than a rabbit with an itch.  Able to run circles around mom and dad for hours on end.  Look, in your living room...in your classroom...in your church…it’s a boy!  

Where does all that energy come from?

           

In a word: Testosterone.  Testosterone in an energy hormone.  An action hormone.  A get something done hormone.  A risk-taking hormone. 

Michael Gurian, in his book, The Wonder of Boys, offers these insights into testosterone:

·      Because of their dominance by the hormone testosterone, aggression and physical risk-taking are programmed into boys.  It’s important to distinguish between “aggression” and “violence.” As psychologist Aaron Kipnis has put it, “Violence is not hard-wired into boys. Violence is taught.  Aggression is hard-wired.” (p. 6)

·      A little boy (on average) will turn toys into guns or swords more frequently than girls will…He will tend less toward empathic first responses to other’s pain and more toward provocative first-responses.  He will generally be more competitive than his sister and especially in the few activities in which he perceives the potential to dominate over or be superior in…He will seek rough-and-tumble play… (pp. 7-8)

·      When a boy hits puberty, the influence of testosterone on his body and brain will increase manifold.  His testosterone level itself will increase in quantities ten to twenty times more than girls. (p. 10)

Testosterone is the energy that causes boys to fidget when they sit too long, that demands movement to learn and to bond, and that enables boys to laser focus on a particular item but makes it difficult for them to multi-task.  Imagine experiencing a surge of that volcanic energy 7 plus times a day!  That’s the story of boys as they begin to move into puberty.  And they often leave in their wake frazzled moms, dads, grandparents, and teachers.

That, of course, begs the question: How in the world do we help our boys harness that energy productively?

It begins by giving our sons a vision for their lives.  Testosterone offers us and our boys a powerful insight into the overarching purpose for the boys in your life: To save the world.

Testosterone is the fuel of superheroes.  Testosterone is the energy that motivates a boy, when forged in healthy ways, to positively shape life around him.  Every boy begins life wanting to be a superhero…to fight the bad guys, to save the world.  To make the world a better place.  When harnessed for good and noble purposes, testosterone is the power that energizes our boys for greatness.

Managing the force of nature that is the boy in your life can be a daunting task.  But it is a noble, sacred call—the opportunity to raise a boy who can change the world.

Here are some things you can do to begin to forge your son into a world-changer:

·      Let him be a boy. If the boy in your life is a testosterone tornado, give him space to exercise his super hero powers.  Let him fly.  Let him explore.  Let him breathe.  Let him move.  Let him build.

·      Give him boundaries.  Boys need strong men and women to harness the energy of boys.  While you want to give a boy his head (to use a horse training metaphor) you also need to let him know that you are the boss and that there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to use his energy.  Boys thrive in hierarchies.  As dad and mom, you are at the top.  Teachers in the classroom or youth leaders are at the top as well when the boys are with you.  Loving, compassionate, safe boundaries will teach a boy how to use his powers for good.

·      Hold up models to emulate.  Teach boys about heroic men, men of different temperaments, personalities, race, and religion, to give them a vision of what’s possible.  Washington, Lincoln, Patton, MLK Jr., Fredrick Douglass, Jesus, Gandhi, Grandpa, Dad, and so on give our boys insights into men who used their energy for good.  To say to a boy—This is the line of men you come from—energizes him with a noble vision for his life.

·      Affirm his super hero actions.  Whenever your boy does something honorable, responsible, good, or sacrificial, pat him on the back in a variety of ways.  Keep affirming in him his power to do great things and he will live into his purpose for saving the world as a man, a dad, a husband, a brother, a co-worker, a boss, and a citizen.

Imagine a world filled with boys living out their purpose of changing the world!

Does Advocating for Boys Mean Dissing Girls? A Final Rant

For the last two posts I have been responding to a column written in response to a column I wrote advocating for boys.  I usually don’t spend so much time obsessing over these kinds of things…but since so much of her argument is the current storyline in our culture, used to downplay the boy crisis, I couldn’t let this one go.  

I am going to reprint my column here and then wind it up with a few of the comments the author made in response…and add in another perspective as well.  Then it will be off my chest and I can go back to being the balanced, even-keeled boy advocate I want to be!

Here’s my column (I had a max of 650 words allowed)

How About Equality for Our Boys?

Equal Pay Day.  Women’s Equality Day.  A Day Without Women.  Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.  Title IX.  The White House Council on Women and Girls.

All good and noble expressions of our desire to fight for equality for our daughters and women.  As the father of a daughter and the grandfather of two granddaughters, I fully applaud these efforts.  My daughter has a law degree because of the hard work many did to fight for her equality.  My granddaughters are growing up in a world of unprecedented opportunity because women and men have worked hard—and continue to work hard—for their equality. 

But what about our boys?   

·      Boys have fallen significantly behind girls in every area of education from Pre-school through Graduate school

·      85% of stimulant-addressing medications (like Ritalin) prescribed in the world are prescribed to US boys

·      America has the highest rates of male incarceration per capita of any country in the world.  Among males 17 or younger, the boy-to-girl ratio in correctional institutions is 9:1.  Among 18-21 year olds, the ratio grows to 14:1

·      Boys are twice as likely as girls to be victims of violence in America, but in certain age groups the ratio is 6:1

·      Boys receive two-thirds of the Ds and Fs in our schools but less than 40 percent of the As 

·      Boys are twice as likely as girls to be labeled as “emotionally disturbed” and twice as likely to be diagnosed with a behavioral or leaning disorder

·      Boys are four times as likely as girls to be suspended or expelled from early childhood and K-12 learning environments

·      Over the last 20 years the reading skills of 17 year old boys have steadily declined

In 2015 the World Health Organization published a major study of mens’ and boys’ health worldwide.  In it the study’s authors—from Europe, the U.S., and Asia—provided statistics and analysis from all continents, including the most comprehensive health study worldwide to date, the Global Burden of Disease Study led by the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation.

The study concludes: In most of the world, girls and women are doing better than boys and men in both physical and mental health indicators…In most parts of the world, health outcomes among boys and men continue to substantially worse than among girls and women.  Yet this gender-based disparity in health has received little national, regional, or global acknowledgement or attention from health polity-makers or health-care providers.

It seems as if, whenever the subject of our boys is raised, it’s rebuffed by charges of male privilege and patriarchy.

Do we really want to lose our boys?  Is our world better off with boys growing into underachieving, undereducated men, underappreciated men?  Imagine the negative societal impact if we continue to leave our boys behind!

For equality to work, it must be equality for all—female and male.  For the last 60+ years our nation has collectively and passionately taken up the cause of equality for our daughters.  In the 1960’s, for example, the Federal Government invested $100 million into getting our girls caught up in school.  Girls caught up in 1982 and have soared past our boys ever since.  But so far, with a growing decades-old boy crisis, not one dime has been invested into getting our boys back into the education game.

Who will fight for our boys?

Some of her reactions:

In a May 6 “My Turn,” Tim Wright asks why girls are getting so much attention and who is fighting for our boys?

I don’t see anywhere where I asked why girls are getting so much attention.  But I’ll let you decide.

He dismissively lists public policies that have attempted to level the playing field for women (who have been denied equal access to basic human rights for thousands of years).  Equal pay.  Title IX.  What will they ask for next?

I don’t see anywhere where I dismissed these important initiatives on behalf of our girls nor where I asked, What will they ask for next? or implied it.  But I’ll let you decide.

He says the fight for gender equality is good, but now we have gone too far and boys are suffering.

I don’t think I said that.  I certainly don’t believe that.  But I’ll let you decide.

If we’re going to have important conversations about our boys and girls we need to actually read/hear what people are saying.

 

Here’s another perspective from a woman who wrote to me:

It was with tears that I read your column in the Arizona Republic May 6^th.  The subject of equality for boys has been heavy on my heart for some time, and I have been praying for someone with authority to start a campaign to make the public aware of how boys and men have been marginalized throughout the past few decades.

(I liked her letter better!  😏)

Final word: We need to continue to fight for our daughters and thankfully we have lots of energy on that issue nationwide.  What I, along with many boy advocates, am pleading for is equal energy around our boys without pitting one against the other.  Both are created in the image of God.  Both should be treated equally.  Let’s get at it and change the storyline for both our boys and girls!

Are Boys Falling Behind Girls in School Because School is Girly? A Rant--Part 2

Per may last post, I’m venting/ranting about a response to a column I wrote advocating for boys.  For context, the author of the response is a mother of three daughters, who essentially turned my advocacy for boys into some sort of patriarchal plan to diss girls.

Stockbyte

Here’s what she wrote in response to my statement (which I backed up with statistics) that boys are falling behind girls in school:

Girls do seem to be catching up in math and science.  Girls tend to underestimate their abilities in these subjects and boys tend to overstate them.

The result is that girls who end up in STEM classes are the best and the brightest and boys are taking classes above their abilities.  This increases test schools for girls and decreases them for boys, making boys appear to be falling behind.

Appear to be falling behind?  Huh?  Girls are the best and the brightest and boys are in over their heads in STEM?  And this is an argument against what I’m saying?

English and language are the opposite situation.  Boys tend to say they hate these subjects.  They don’t see them as appropriately “masculine,” so they underperform.  Girls often love them because they get to discuss thoughts and interpretations, which is encouraged, and test scores reflect this.

Again, huh?  This is an argument against what I said?  She’s proving my point trying to disprove my point.  A girl’s brain is wired to be far more proficient in verbal/emotive skills.  If English and Language classes skew to a girl brain—encouraging the discussion of thoughts and interpretations—rather than an action-oriented boy brain, is it any wonder boys think these classes are girly?  Shouldn’t we change the system rather than try to reprogram the wiring of a boy’s brain (by the way, there are over 100 differences between a boy's brain and a girl's brain.)?

In the U.S., boys generally regard academic disengagement as a sign of masculinity.  Showing little care and effort toward schoolwork is a badge of honor.  Academic engagement is considered questionable, “feminine,” and frowned up by their male peers.

This wasn’t always so.  Up until 1982 boys were ahead of girls in education.  But that changed in 1982 when girls soared past boys and never looked back.  What happened?  Why did boys begin to believe that school was for girls?  Because, for all good reasons, we decided to teach more to verbal/emotive girls to get them caught up.  But in the process we forgot that boys learn differently than do girls and we started losing our boys. 

So boys have fallen behind.

Her conclusion:

The problem with academic differences is our rigid definition of what is means to be a “real man.”  (Again…huh?  How about some statistics or studies to back this up?  There are none!)  Blaming girls for boys’ problems is unfair and unproductive.  (No one is blaming girls for this.  We’re saying that the good work we’ve done for our girls has had some unintended consequences for our boys that we can easily address!)  This is not a zero sum game: Girls are gaining and boys are losing.  This means more resources, not punishing girls.  (No one has suggested punishing girls.  And I agree, this is not a zero sum game.  So why do we keep playing at it by constantly countering the boy crisis with these unhelpful broad generalizations and stereotypes?)

Friends, let’s stick to the studies, the facts, brain-science research, and the statistics.  The system—not our girls—is letting our boys down on several levels.  Our systems and emphases are the cause of the boy crisis, not girls.

But make no mistake, there is a boy crisis.  And no amount of trying to turn this back on boys or suggesting that to fight for boys is to fight against girls will change that fact.  Nor will it help our girls, many of whom will marry or work with these undereducated, underskilled men.

I’ve never heard or read any boy advocate even come close to suggesting that we should blame girls for the boy crisis or stop our battle on their behalf.

But I have heard and read over and over again girl advocates, claiming to be passionate about equality for all, continually denigrate boys and the boy crisis with stereotypical generalizations rather than facts.

One more rant to come…Then I’ll try to get back to my warm, fuzzy self!

How to Speak Man: A Brief Tutorial for Church Leaders Who Want to Reach Boys and Men

Men and women are equal. 

Men and women are different.    

www.churchformen.com

That’s my starting point.  If you can live with that, then I invite you to continue on.

It’s no secret that men have dropped out of the Christian Church in droves.  It’s no secret that homes without dads face higher rates of poverty, they suffer more emotionally, and are more likely to be held back in school.  It’s no secret that the US prison population is made up of 93% men, 85% of whom grew up with no father figure.

Pastors and other religious leaders called to make disciples of all people, including men, often find themselves at a loss as to how to reach men.  Patrick Morley, author of No Man Left Behind, says that ministry to men is like rocket science, perhaps even harder.

While there are many systemic issues that we need to address in calling men to follow Jesus, a good starting point is to learn how to speak Man. 

Researchers tell us that are at least 100 differences between a woman’s brain and a man’s brain.  This is nature stuff.  This is hard-wired into the brain stuff.  Nurture is a different matter.  As my friend Michael Gurian observes, often the challenge with understanding males and females comes from trying to start the discussion with nurture.  When we do that we tend to impose a more female way of relating to the world onto men.  Instead, Michael says we need to start with nature—how it is that men are wired to relate to the world and build from there.

A few examples:

Men tend to process events and experiences on the left side of the brain—the rational side of the brain.  Women, on the other hand, process events and experiences on both sides of the brain—on the rational and the emotional sides.  As a result, women can almost instantly access an answer to the question: What are you feeling?  It can take a male anywhere from minutes to several hours to grab that answer.  (It often proves easier for a man to answer the question, What are you thinking?  But see the next point.)

Because of the way a woman’s brain is wired, she is generally more verbal-emotive than a man.  She consumes almost twice as many words in a day as does a man.  Men tend to be more spatially oriented—they remember things where movement and action are involved.  Men, generally speaking, use their words sparingly, which can be maddening for highly verbal people.

Because men tend to use only one side of the brain, they are able to focus on a specific task better than women.  Another way of saying it is that men can enter a focus-cave where they can tune out everything else.  Women, on the other hand, take in more with more senses at once.  They are better able to juggle many tasks at once.

Because of testosterone, men tend to bond through activity.  Because of oxytocin and estrogen, women tend to bond via words and emotions.  Men work off stress through physical activity.  Women tend to work off stress through talking.

With that small background, here are a few ways to speak Man:

1)   Men speak action.  Much of church language/discipleship language today is relationship language.  Are you experiencing intimacy with Jesus?  Do you have a vibrant relationship with Jesus?  Jesus wants to live in your heart.  Women tend to gravitate more to this language because of how they are wired brain-wise and hormone-wise.  Men, however, are wired for action.  That’s not to say that they don’t invest in relationships, but men want to be called to do something.  Jesus spoke the language of action: Follow me. 

2)   Men speak problem solving. The default for most men is to move into the fix it mode.  They want to put the pieces back together.  Women focus more on the process and the relationship along with words to bring about a resolution.  Congregations that build disciples only through small (talking) groups with no call to take the mountain and build a better world will not inspire men to follow Jesus.

3)   Men speak competition.  Competition stimulates a man to action.  It energizes him.  It releases his creative juices.  Most churches downplay competition replacing it with a strong emphasis on nurture and getting along with everyone.  While a church needs both, God created men with a competitive spirit for a reason—to stimulate them to get God-stuff done.

4)   Men speak hierarchy.  Men tend to respond best to a leader/follower model.  Again, notice Jesus always called people to follow him.  Hierarchies tend to scare the average church leader because they can create confrontation and competition.  These are often deemed anti-Jesus-like behaviors.  Women tend to seek more egalitarian models, emphasizing equal participation and interaction among all.  But men want to know their place in their organization, they want to know who they follow or who follows them, and they want to go!

5)   Men speak command. Meaning, men tend to get to the point. They don’t use as many words as do women so when they speak they get to the point quickly and directly.  And they want that same kind of communication aimed at them.  Where women tend to be more inviting—What do you think about this?  Would you mind doing such and such…? men prefer a direct word or command that they can hear and respond to.  In a highly relational church, commands and direct speech don’t come easily.  But you may be missing men because of it.  Look at how Jesus often spoke:  Follow me!  Love your enemies!  Turn the other cheek!  Love one another!  Be merciful as your father in heaven is merciful!  Ask anything in my name and you will receive it!  (Note: for you law/Gospel Lutherans—this is a communication style, not a proclamation of law!  J)

6)   Men speak risk.  Testosterone is a risk-taking hormone. On average men take many more risks than do women.  A safe church, often more comfortable for women, repels men.  Men want to be a part of something grand, world-changing.  Jesus is the greatest risk taker of them all.  I will use you to fish for people! Go into all the world…Want to reach men?  Build risk into your ministry.  What’s one thing you can’t do unless God makes it happen?

7)   Men speak sacrifice.  Men are wired to rush into burning buildings, to leap tall buildings in a single bound, to lay their lives on the line.  What’s the great cause that will speak to the men in your congregation? Greater love has no one than this than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

Jesus knew how to talk man.   What language does your congregation speak?

(For more on how men and women relate to life and each other, check out my friend Michael Gurian’s excellent book: Leadership and the Sexes: Using Gender Science to Create Success inBusiness)

Boys and Girls Emote Differently--Can't We Be OK With That?

Man-up!  Take it like a man!  Shake it off!

Most boys hear those words and exhortations constantly throughout their lives. 

Men don’t cry! 

Men suck it up! 

Act like a man!

Recently I’ve been hearing push back on that phrase, with a growing number saying that Man Up! is one of the most damaging phrases a boy can hear. 

Anyone raising a boy or seeing the way boys are often robbed of the ability to express what we often categorize as “soft” emotions would have a hard time disagreeing.  We seemingly live in a culture that has a difficult time allowing boys and men to show any emotion other than anger—and we don’t like that emotion, either!  Crying, for example, is often pegged as one of the most anti-manly things a guy can do.  It’s a sign of weakness and a guy can never show himself to be weak.

You’ll get no disagreement from me on the problem.  I think we do a great disservice to our boys and the rest of culture when we socialize good, healthy, emoting out of our boys.

But, contrary to much of what I’ve been reading and hearing as of late, the answer is not to socialize boys to cry more or to nurture them to be more verbal with their emotions.  (Or to put it more bluntly, it does not help boys emote by insisting that we can nurture/socialize them emote more freely like girls often do!)

To start there is to do a great disservice to our boys. 

Brain science research has found at least 100 differences between the male and the female brain.  While males and females are mostly the “same” those over 100 brain differences make a big difference.

In addition, at the risk of oversimplifying, males are made up primarily of testosterone—an aggression/action hormone.  Women are made up primarily of estrogen and oxytocin—bonding/tend and befriend chemicals.  While males and females are mostly the “same” those hormones make a big difference.

Boys generally do not emote the way girls emote.  For one thing, because of the way a boy’s brain is wired, he has a much harder time accessing his feelings than does a girl. 

Ask a girl how she’s feeling about something and generally all you have to do is step back and listen to her verbally express her feelings instantaneously.

Ask a boy how he’s feeling about something and what you’ll often get is a blank stare or a mono-syllabic grunt…not because he doesn’t want to answer the question…but because he doesn’t know.  It can take a boy 30 minutes to over a day to access his feelings and put them into words.

Girls tend to processes stress in the front of the brain enabling them to verbalize the stress.  Boys tend to process stress in the back of the brain, moving them to a fight, flight, or freeze response—i.e., a response that doesn’t use a lot of words.

Where a girl’s brain is wired to tie emotions and words together, a boy’s brain is not.

__________

            Women throughout the world have higher levels of prolactin, which controls, among other things, the development of tear glands…hence, generally, wherever you go (even in a culture that is friendly to male tears, like Italy), you see more tears from women’s eyes than from men’s. 

Leadership and the Sexes, Michael Gurian and Barbara Annis, pg. 14

__________

My point is not that we should not nurture our boys to emote in healthy ways, but that you can’t start a discussion on helping boys emote more freely and healthily by focusing first on nurture. When we start with nurture, usually to the exclusion of nature, we tend to assume that boys can be socialized to express their emotions and feelings like girls—who tend to do it more openly and verbally.  But this, in the end, will only frustrate boys more.  Because it is trying to nurture them to emote in a way that isn’t a part of their nature. 

Many will claim that the brain has great elasticity, meaning that it can be molded and shaped through socialization and nurture, which is true.  But the brain also has some set points, so to speak, that make a male male and a female female.  These cannot be changed. 

Boys’ emotive nature, however, can be recognized, affirmed, and nurtured to respond accordingly.  Meaning, if we want to free our boys up to express all of their emotions, we need to understand how boys are wired to emote, and then free them to do so.  We start with nature, and then nurture their nature.

Most boys will not emote like most girls.  But boys are wired to emote and to do so in powerful, profound, healthy ways.  (Movement is always a good starting point for most males—get them moving and it will energize their brains to verbalize better, bond, shed some tears, emote, access feelings, etc.)

Our job is not to nurture boys to express emotions the way girls do, but the way boys do.

In other words, when we exhort a boy to Man Up! we should pour a rich understanding of nature and nurture into those words, so that we are truly inviting a boy to man-up into the healthy, thriving man he is created to be—engaging all of his emotions, gifts, and skills in the way he is created to by God.